Boundaries and the Nervous System: Why Saying No Feels So Hard
If boundaries feel anxiety-provoking or impossible, it’s rarely a skill issue.
For many people, boundaries activate a fear of disconnection or abandonment stored in the nervous system.
This post is part of a short series exploring people-pleasing, boundaries, and rebuilding self-trust through a nervous-system-informed lens. If you want to read the first post in this series on people-pleasing as a nervous system response, you can start here.
Why Boundaries Trigger Anxiety
For people-pleasing parts of us, boundaries can feel like:
A threat to belonging
A risk of conflict
A danger signal
The body reacts before logic kicks in.
Your body may react to boundaries as if connection is at risk—even when it isn’t.
Why “Just Say No” Doesn’t Work
Advice that focuses only on behavior skips the most important step:
regulation first.
Without nervous system regulation, boundaries feel shaky, guilt-ridden, or reactive.
Boundaries Begin Inside
Before asking what should I say, ask:
What is happening in my body right now?
Internal boundaries come before external ones.
A Regulated Boundary Pause
Notice:
Pressure to say yes.
Where do you feel it in your body—tightness in the throat, a twist in the gut?
Acknowledge:
“This part is trying to protect me.”
Breathe: Settle the body before responding
From this place, boundaries feel calmer and clearer.
Boundaries aren’t about pushing people away. They’re about staying connected to yourself.
A Regulated Boundary Reminder: Don’t JADE
When boundaries feel threatening, many of us start to justify, argue, defend, or explain—a pattern often referred to as JADE, drawn from the work of Leslie Vernick.
The more we explain, the more anxious and unstable boundaries can feel.
A calmer approach is to stay regulated and keep responses simple:
Acknowledge the other person
State your reality
Name what you need
Then pause—without over-explaining.
Boundaries tend to feel safer when we don’t JADE.
If this resonates and people-pleasing or boundary stress is showing up as anxiety, exhaustion, or self-doubt, therapy can help you reconnect with your body and your sense of Self.
You’re welcome to learn more about how I work or reach out when it feels right.
